Friday, September 4, 2009

13 Things in My Office That Can Be Found Without the Help of GPS


My office is a mess. It's not just in disarray or a bit unorganized--it's a danger zone. It's the kind of mess where a St. Bernard carrying a flask of whiskey will be sent out to find you if you've been in here too long. There are files everywhere. It seems like my inbox and outbox have merged and have started to breed. Still, there are a few things in here that are visible to the naked eye:

1. A Grande Triple Shot Non-Fat Vanilla Latte

I love my coffee. My coffee habit is probably what makes me seem almost human in the morning. But do you know what a pain in the ass it is to say 'grande triple shot non-fat vanilla latte' when you aren't awake? I wish I could just say 'the usual' and my drink would magically appear. Better yet, it would be brought to me by a barista who looks like John Cusack.

No. It would be brought to me by John Cusack.

2. Teen Titans Action Figures

Don't laugh. Oh, like you don't have action figures. And no, they're not dolls. They're action figures.

3. An Open Can of Diet Coke

It will be found in my office at all times. As a matter of fact, I think it was written into my contract when I was hired. Besides, the latte doesn't contain enough caffeine. I need a caffeine IV.

4. A Red Stapler

No plain black stapler for me. This stapler means business. It says ' This is stapled. It's for keeps, bucko. Try to separate these sheets and I'll cut you.' My stapler needs anger management classes.

5. Ashes of Old Lovers

Just kidding. It's just a jar that says' Ashes of Old Lovers', not the real ashes. I flushed the real ashes.

6. My Name Plate

It's on the left hand corner of my desk; it's beauty unmarred by the mess surrounding it. I know--most people have one, but mine is unique. Geek Boy made it for me. Out of paper. Why? Because I've asked multiple times for one with my married name on it but no dice. I've been married for 4 years, but I guess the city wants to make sure it lasts before coughing up the 5 bucks.

7. A Bubble Wrap Ensconced Rectangular Object

I don't know what it is. It's still sitting there in its wrapping. Am I curious? No. It's from the city, for goodness sake. Unless it a check for a million dollars --or my name plate--I don't care.

8. Two Calendars

Yes, they're both 2009. And no, I don't think they dates will vary from one to the other, smartass.

9. An Unopened Can of Diet Coke

Any caffeine junkie worth her salt always has a backup.

10. A Can of Flying and Crawling Insect Killer

It's great. The can looks like those generic products from the '80's. It works, though. Flying and crawling insects know better than to mess with me.

11. A Thermometer

My office is always cold. Like refrigerator cold. I like to know the temperature so I can whine about it later.

12. A Picture of Geek Boy and Me

It was taken on our first trip to Universal Studios as a married couple. I like it.

13. A Plaque

A plaque telling the world I've been working at this bloody place for over 10 years. People think I keep it here because I like it. It's here because I don't want it at home.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I DO have a superhero action figure at my desk. I have no idea who she is. She has fire for hair. And for that reason alone, she rules.